The "Best" Schools Meet Kids Where They Are

I recently came across an article Meeting Kids Where They Are by Bill Gates. The article highlights the value of colleges and universities that rarely, if ever, make "The Best Schools" lists. No, these schools don't carry the prestige of a Harvard or Yale, but their purpose and function is just as noble: they serve the kids who aren't a right fit for the likes of Princeton or Columbia.

See, here's the thing about finding the best fit school: it's about more than academics. All of those schools listed above are great academic institutions, and yet each one of them has it's own unique vibe, which I often call culture. One school might be full of geniuses and have a culture of competitiveness, while another might have the same academic caliber of students, but the culture might be one of collaboration, where kids don't see each other as threats but as true peers. The way a student experiences those two places are radically different.

When deciding between schools, we have to remember that schools are not just places for our kid's brains, they are also places for their social selves, their emotional selves. A great friend once said a school is responsible for "addressing students' IQ while expanding their EQ". I promptly wrote it down because this–this is truth! Looking at rankings alone neglects half of the equation, more than half for those students who are more socially inclined. 

So when you are laying out your options and trying to decide between schools, ask yourself two questions:

1. Beyond academics, what kind of school does my child need? In what conditions does my child thrive? 
2. Where is my child socially/emotionally? What are his strengths/challenges in those areas and what would a school that meets him where he is offer?

And if the school that you're left with isn't a highly ranked one, that's okay. The best school is the one that meets your child right where he is and develops in him the personal confidence, sense of efficacy and academic skills to realize his full potential. What could be more valuable than that?

The options and opportunities are vast and as unique as your child. Don't be afraid to look for the best fit.

If you are applying to schools next admissions season, register for our online course Choose Well: The Ultimate Guide for Choosing the Right Schools.  We've taken the process we use when working one on one with our families and put it online for families everywhere. This course will help you take you the steps to find the right school for your son or daughter. 

FREE DOWnload>> 6 things to keep in mind when looking for the right school

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We Were Waitlisted–Now What?

Just before we shifted into chill mode for spring break, we got the news: blah, blah, blah, WAITLISTED, blah, blah. Of course, that’s not exactly what the letter said, but that’s what I read. Like many parents who start the search process as early as September, not having a definitive yes or no can feel like one’s been sentenced to purgatory to tread water thick with uncertainty. 

This blog is for those of you who after opening admissions letters find yourselves saying, "Okay, we were waitlisted. Now what?" 

Being waitlisted is about math.

The number of available seats at higher performing schools across the country doesn’t come close to meeting the demand. In the public school space, this means once the number of seats allocated (building capacity - projected number of zoned kids attending = number of magnet seats available) are filled, everyone else goes onto the waitlist. In the private school space it’s similar math, although not everyone gets put on the waitlist. Only the candidates who “fit” are added to the list, those students who would have been admitted if it weren't for such limited supply. 

What happens now?

Being waitlisted is like being in a holding pattern at the airport–sometimes there are simply too many planes trying to land at the same time, and it’s not until the traffic thins and the dust settles that you touch ground at your final destination. Between the time letters go out and the common reply date (first/second week in April) is what I call “dusty season.” Parents are trying to decide between their options, schools are fielding calls from accepted parents who have lingering questions and calls from others who want to understand why their child didn’t get in, and everyone is trying to figure out what to do next. There’s a lot going on, and waitlisted parents should use the time to gain some clarity about your next move until the dust settles.

First, take a few breaths and determine how much emotional energy, if any, you want to leave tied to the possibility of coming off of the waitlist. How much hope are you willing to hold on to? You know your emotional bandwidth. Don’t set yourself up for devastation should things just not work out. If you’re in the private school runnings, feel free to email the admissions director a short email letting them know your position. Remember to keep it short. It’s dusty season, and matriculating their admits is priority number one. Something like this should do the trick:

Dear {insert name},

{Insert child's name} and I were both happy and sad to learn {he'd/she'd} been waitlisted at {insert school}. Happy because we know being waitlisted means you think {insert name} would do well at the school, but sad because as of now, there isn't enough space for {him/her}. 

We wholeheartedly believe that {insert school} is the right fit for {him/her} because {insert the number 1 and 2 reasons you applied to this school}. So we are more than happy to wait it out and hope for the best. When can/should I circle back for an update?

Fingers crossed,

{insert signature}

Second, think about what you do have. Maybe you got in to one of your other choices that you liked but didn’t love. Give some thought to the reasons you applied to that school in the first place. Maybe it has 3 out of the 4 things on your wish list. Remind yourself of the positives and start planning how you’ll supplement if that becomes your child's final destination. Maybe you applied to a private school during a non-entry year, take a few breaths, put your feelings aside (tough, I know) and ask yourself: Is there a better time? Am I still convinced that this is the best school for my child? If the answer to both questions is ‘yes,’ schedule a conversation with the admissions director to get their insights and decide if reapplying next year makes sense.  

Help your older child process the news. Don't forget that they were the ones taking these tests and filling out applications. They'll see this as a judgement of their ability unless you help them see otherwise. Talk them through the math, and then help them decide how much emotional energy they want to continue to invest. Help them come of with a plan for how they can be happy at option B if option A doesn’t pan out. There’s no better time to teach your kids how to respond when what you want isn’t immediately available to you.

How long do we wait?

In most cases, the earliest you'll come off a waitlist is a few days after the common reply date. That gives admissions directors time to see how many seats weren't filled by their first-round admits that are open to students from the waitlist. For private schools, this process is finalized by the end of the month. For public schools, however, this can extend through the first week in August. See why you have to determine your emotional bandwidth first? This process can go on for some time.  

Congrats to those who found and got into their top choice schools. For those who did not find their fit, resist the urge to think you or your kid is not good enough. Fit matters, and you’d much rather be in a place that’s a good fit for your child academically and personally than to be in a place that’s not. (Reread #2 above.) And for those hanging out with me in purgatory, I’ll tell you what I told my husband, “now we sit back and let the dust settle."

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Edit: An earlier version of this blog listed these two scenarios explaining how one might come off of the waitlist.

1. Private: You were waitlisted for kinder at Preschool-8 School X. Some parents who currently attend that school also applied to other private schools, but they also had to “hold” their seat at School X. They got into their top choice school and will forfeit the seat they were holding (and the deposit), which creates an unexpected opening for your child.

2. HISD: You got into your second choice school and were waitlisted at your first. Because you don’t want your child out in the cold, you accepted the seat at your second choice and decided to save a sliver of hope that lightening might strike. On June 12, you get a call from your first choice saying lightening struck and they have an opening for your child if you want it. You shimmy in your seat, say yes, and now your second choice seat is open for someone else. Of course, you could say ‘no thank you’, and the school moves on to the next person on the waitlist.

An Amazing 2015: Bigger Than Choosing Schools

I often say that I am in the business of preventing mid-life crises. While my work focuses on coaching and supporting parents to make informed decisions about their kids' schools, my ultimate goal is to help parents make educational decisions that honor who their children are at their core. I help parents pay attention, ask the right questions, listen to the answers, act on that information and engage their schools in the process. This provides sanity for my parents, but it does something more important for kids: it teaches them how to see themselves and make decisions that honor who they are as individuals. 

This is the gift I reference in my most popular blog of 2015. This is the gift I wanted to give my students in becoming a middle school teacher and administrator. This is the gift I want every child to receive: the gift of being seen. 

As I think back on 2015, I am tearfully grateful at the opportunity I’ve had to take care of kids, to support parents in giving the gift. You have invited me into your homes, your offices, your lives. You've attended workshops, read and shared my blogs, allowing me be your guide.

What we’ve done together this year was bigger than (just) choosing schools for your kiddos. We have looked at our kids (nearly 150 kids to be exact!) and really seen them. For all of this, I could not be more grateful.

2016 promises to be even better. I’ll be launching a 2-day summer workshop for rising 9th graders to help them be more purposeful and prepared for high school, and I am writing a step-by-step workbook that will help parents choose and engage with their child’s school. But most importantly, I’m over-the-moon, shimmy-in-my-living-room excited to continue doing my part to ensure that more kids know the confidence, joy and sense of purpose that comes from being seen.  

From my family to yours, happy 2016!

The Risk-Free Summer

When I was younger, I wanted to be so many things: a writer, a lifeguard, a video dancer (they were fully clothed and highly choreographed back then), the voice over the intercom at the car dealership, and the first woman NFL football announcer. While some of these dreams had a clear path to becoming a reality, the path for exploring the other ideas was a bit less clear. 

Since I'd spent days and weeks over countless summers watching them at my neighborhood pool, I knew what it took to become a lifeguard. My mother, who in her youth had also worked at this pool, knew exactly how to point me in the direction of my dream. I spent every summer from the age of 15 until I was about 20 as a lifeguard, save that one summer I worked at Red McCombs Toyota. 

Because I didn't know the first step towards becoming a sportscaster, a writer, or a dancer, I fell into the easiest routine rather than exploring the range of things that interested me. My dreams never had a chance to become a reality.

As adults, many of us look back and wish we'd had someone to help us figure out what to do with our interests, passions or curiosities. How many of us are in jobs right now wishing we could be making a living doing what we want instead of what we feel is required? But this blog isn't about us, it's about saving our kids from that place, that place of being 30 or 40 something and having fallen into the easier routine without having truly pursued a passion/interest. Every summer, middle and high-school-aged kids, have an amazing opportunity to do what they aren't always able to do during the school year: pursue their own interests. With the right opportunity and guidance, not only can our kids learn more about who they are and what they like, they can also learn who and what they aren't. Giving our kids the opportunity to figure themselves out requires some trial and error, and there's no better time than during the risk-free summer. 

This Tuesday at Corner Table at 4:30pm, I'll be co-hosting a info-session with Dana Brown from Choate Rosemary Hall, who will share a bit about the summer opportunities her school offers. The event is free, and there will be beverages and light snacks. There's nothing to lose, and who knows? Maybe you'll find the guidance you need to help your child take the first step towards realizing their dream.

To register for the info-session, click here. 

HISD: The More You Know...

Now that we are knee deep in admissions season, many families exploring their options within HISD will have to be more strategic in their decision-making since they are required to rank their choice schools before the December 18th deadline.  

Last week, HISD rolled out a Magnet Matrix parents can use to help them in this process. This tool, used only for non-Vanguard middle and high school programs, allows parents to put in their child's grades, STAAR and Iowa scores to see for which program(s) their child qualifies. The School Choice Office even provides a step-by-step guide for how to use the matrix for those who live by lists. While the tool is intended to be a guide and won't be used by all schools (remember: Vanguard programs use the GT Matrix), knowing on the front end will prevent parents from using one of their 10 options on a school where their child does not qualify. 

Kudos to HISD for trying to streamline the process and for giving parents tools to help them make such a critical decision. 

If you want to learn more about your odds of getting into a particular school, check out this document, which highlights how many applications each magnet school received, how many students were waitlisted and how many offers were extended. 

If you look at that list and think you might want to explore more of your schooling options or you want help making sure you're thinking about your options the right way, shoot me an email or grab a few friends for a mini-school selection workshop. I'm more than happy to sit down at the kitchen table and help you make the most informed decisions about your kids' education.  

The Value in Teaching Kids How to Fail and How to Get Up

A few weeks back, we celebrated my son’s birthday. He’d been rolling around on one of those gliders for a couple of years and was really ready to make the leap to pedals. So on his birthday, we went to the store and picked up his bike. We asked the guys at the shop to skip the training wheels and put on a bell. If the kid was going to have a bike, well then he was going to have a BIKE! :)

When we got home, I ran inside to put a few things away, and when I came back outside, my husband was jogging next to our son as he rode.

Keep your eyes forward.

Keep pedaling.

When you look down, you lose your balance.

Keep pedaling. When you pedal, you keep your balance.

With no training wheels and a little wobble, the kiddo was riding a bike for the first time. And then it happened…he fell. 

My son lost his balance on the bicycle, and in what looked like a bit of frustration, he let the bike fall to the ground, stood up, and then threw his hands in the air, “Yes!” I shook my head confused. Did I miss something? What kid falls off his bike the first time and celebrates? My husband who was standing next to me yelled, “Good job falling, buddy. You did it just like we talked about. You let the bike fall and focused on standing. Good job. Now next time you might fall too and that’s okay, but you did a good job.” My son gave him the thumbs up and got back on the bike.

Get your balance with both feet flat on the ground.

Put one foot on the higher pedal.

Push.

And he was off again.

I looked at my husband and back at my son, and in that very emotional moment, I thought about how important it is to teach kids how to fall and how to get up. By doing just that, my husband had taken the fear out of falling.

Late last week I got a call from one of my families. The daughter received her report card and was devastated by her grade in Geometry. Accustomed to having a^2 + b^2 = c^2 , she’d never been in a situation where the output didn’t directly correlate with the input. Dad wondered if it made sense to drop the class since according to his panicked daughter, this class would ruin her chances to get into college. In my conversation with the dad, I assured him that one six week grade wasn’t going to tank his daughter’s chance of getting into college, but that this experience could be a huge growth opportunity for her. What she needed was for him to coach her through this fall. She needed him to sit side by side and reflect on what caused the fall and to think through how she could get up. Put both feet flat on the ground, then put one foot on the higher pedal and push.  She needed him to teach her that falling is a part of riding, and that when it happens, there’s a process to getting up–that you can learn what caused the fall and prevent it from happening again. We walked through what that conversation could look like, and Coach Dad was off.

So many times when our kids fail (not a typo), they panic and we rush to make them feel like everything’s okay. Everybody falls. It’s okay. But we miss the opportunity to teach them that failing reveals how and where we can be better. We miss the opportunity to be Coach Mom and Coach Dad, to run alongside them and talk them through doing the hard work of studying differently, managing their time, or finding strategies to fight through a tough class with a seemingly unreasonable teacher. Not only do our kids need to know that falling is a part of life, they also need us to teach them how to rebound, so when we aren’t around, they know how to do it for themselves. 

This is what I refer to as grit: the willingness and commitment to not only get up from a fall, but to have had so much practice at falling and learning from our falls, that we, like my son, throw up our hands in celebration at the milestone ahead. This is what our kids need from us. They need us to put on our “Coach” hats and help them see the value in their mistakes. Let’s teach them how to get up after a fall and develop in our kids the skills they’ll need to face the world undaunted by temporary failure. Let's arm our kids with confidence in their ability to get up, put both feet on the ground, find the highest point of leverage and push. 

Here’s to always being our kids' first and best teachers/coaches!

This week’s post was inspired by Have our kids gotten soft? Five ways to teach them grit found yesterday on CNN.com.

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Word of Mouth: Don't give away your power to choose

So I was writing my last post on shhh...the "D" word, and this seeped into the blog. It obviously didn't fit and was my way of running from the last topic, but there's some really good food for thought here, so today, you get two blog entries. Enjoy!

Every year, parents cram into West U because the schools in that neighborhood have great test results, but they also choose the area because the schools feel familiar.  And every year, the district has to submit a waiver to the State to allow those schools to exceed the standard student:teacher ratio, which causes parents to pitch tents and camp out like it's Black Friday during spring registration in hopes of getting one of the coveted seats. While waiting in line, the parents' frustration is palpable, but they'll do anything to avoid a nearby school that they've been told to avoid, even though that school has amazing leadership, really meaningful personal development programs for kids, good results and (shhh) space.  They avoid that school because realtors or friends or mommy groups on FB said those were the schools to avoid, not because any of those groups of people have visited said school, met with the principal, or spoken with parents of children currently served by the school, but purely based on uninformed word of mouth. 

Here's how that hurts our kids:

Everyone in town raves about St. John's being the best school in the city. If your kid is smart, they have to go to St. John's. So what do parents do? They flock in droves to St. John's. They test prep their kids up the wahzoo, hire consultants to help put together the application (this is NOT what I do!), and their kids get in. YAY! Right? But what happens when the kid who shows up on day 15 isn't the kids who test-prepped to get in? What happens when your son is spending countless hours trying to be the kid who scored brilliantly on the ISEE that he doesn't have time to build robots or hangout with his friends? What happens to your daughter who doesn't have time to write or experiment anymore? Our kids' light dims because we've chosen a school purely based on word of mouth instead of who our children are right now and the schools that will help them be the best version of themselves. (Side note: I love St. John's and think it's magical for the right type of kid. Yea, this Kinkaidian said she loves St. John's...just don't tell my sister. Context, people! Context!)

In the same way choosing a school based on word of mouth alone can squash our kids' natural interests and abilities, avoiding a school because of word of mouth can be just as dangerous. Yes, there are some schools that are not good at educating children: the leadership is unfocused, the teachers are moderately invested or tired, parents aren't fully engaged and the students are following the adults' lead. Those are the things that make a school ineffective. But when we hear to avoid certain schools, it's rarely because someone has met with the school leader, seen teachers in action or been to a PTO meeting. We avoid those schools because we don't think our people are in that building. It's unfamiliar, and so without ever visiting, we cross it off of our list. We never step inside to see the teacher who is a beast at making math interesting, which is exactly what our son needs. We never step inside to see the teachers high-fiving and hugging kids in the hallways. We miss the opportunity for our daughter to sit with the three other boys and girls who are hovered over a table building robots. We pass on remarkable opportunities that are a perfect match for our kids because of uninformed word of mouth.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not advocating for parents to send their kids to bad schools. I'm advocating for parents to make informed decisions on their children's behalf. There is absolutely a place for getting input from other parents, but when a parent says, "Oh, I would never send my child there," ask them why not? You could say, "Oh, really? What did you see at the school that makes you so adamant?"  Do they mention school leadership? Do they mention teacher quality? Or do they talk about what they heard from other parents or friends? If parents are going to be a resource for you in this process, vet them! Make sure they have real-life experience with the schools. And if they don't, tune out the noise, and go see for yourself.

Right now, public and private schools all across the city are offering tours. Sit down with your spouse, closest friend, parent or whoever shares the decision-making responsibility with you and figure out what kind of learning environment will be best for your child. If you need help with this part, email me, and I'll sit with you at your kitchen table and help you figure that out. Then take that list and go visit schools. And don't be afraid to venture into the unknown. You may find that the school you've been avoiding is the perfect place for your son or daughter–even if it feels a little unfamiliar to you. 

The "D" Word: Oh, no! Not again!

I am reluctantly writing this post because it will be my second on diversity in the same number of weeks, and I have no interest in being pigeonholed as "that Black woman who writes about diversity in schools" rather than "that woman who helps parents find the best fit schools for their kids, wherever those schools may be."

In what seemed like the wee hours of the morning, a friend sent me "Why White Parents Won't Choose Black Schools," a Huffington Post article with the message "This appears to be in your wheelhouse. I'd love to discuss it with you (or for you to write a blog about it if you have time). Interesting thoughts and I don't know if it happens in Houston, but it still seems relevant."  In my head I responded, "Nope–not going to do it. I wrote about diversity last week, and I'm not going to dig my own hole. Pass," and I closed the FB Messenger app without even reading the article. 

Then I saw there was a new post in another one of my FB groups: this one is comprised of Houston Area educators of various races who have a unanimous interest and dedication to continuing the conversation (about race and race relations) in an effort to better our city, country and world. It was the same damn article. 

Fine. I read it. As soon as I got to the end, I opened my blog without hesitation, and here's why: 

I have an unfiltered interest and dedication to better our city, country and our world by helping parents make informed decisions about their children's education. And how could I dare encourage families to push past their fears to think differently about how choosing a school can honor who their children are if I am not willing to push past my own fears?

Exactly. 

So here's my takeaway: the world is full of all types of people, and if we keep our kids in places where they only see people who look like them, all they will know and value in the world is what they saw in their formative years. 

In my first year of teaching, I was a Teach For America corps member at an under-resourced all Black school here in Houston. Many of my students had never been in a class with a white person, let alone have had a conversation with one. So all they knew about white people, they learned from television or conversations they overheard, leaving them to define for themselves in their little kid minds, who or what non-Black people were like. This very thing limited their ability to relate and understand the world. There was always an 'us' and 'them' mentality–not an 'us' versus 'them', but rather a lack of familiarity that caused separation.  As a Black person who went to extremely diverse schools in Lovett Elementary and Lanier Middle as well as the less diverse Kinkaid, I knew that there was so much my kids were not experiencing, so much education that my kids were missing out on by not having diversity among them.  

My kids in that all Black school suffered because of their lack of exposure, and kids in all White schools suffer as well. School isn't just about academic growth, it's also the place where kids learn how to exist in the world, how to relate to each other, how to engage with each other through their similarities and their differences. And when our kids are surrounded by people who look like them, live like them, and talk like them, they never have the opportunity communicate with and more importantly see value in people who don't fit into the world they know. In the same way that the kids in my school saw non-Blacks as 'them', students in all White schools see others as 'them'. 

I don't know about you, but I'm all for there being one 'us'. Think about it.

And if you need one more reason to consider a diverse learning environment for your child, read this letter by a woman on her experiences during elementary school with a best friend who was not her race.