We've all heard about how kids change in middle school and don't seem to want their parents around. That's not true. Kids always want you around, they just want you in a way that's different from how they needed you before.
This time last year, I was lucky enough to spend some time watching the Houston Texans practice. As I watched, there was something about the interaction between the coaches and players that made me think of parents with kids making the move to middle school. When I sat down and gave it some thought, here's what sticks with me:
Every week coaches around the country spend time huddled in their offices with their team to replay the previous week's game. They pay attention to what was well executed and what happened that their players weren't quite ready for. Simultaneously, they study the next opponent so they can prepare their players by teaching them what to look for, giving them the skills to play the game and time to practice both in a low-risk environment.
Once the coaches have a plan for who is going to teach which skill, they sit the players down and scrub them in. Players listen, take notes and prepare for the week a ahead, knowing exactly what the end goal is. That week, coaches and players focus on 1-2 things that will help them become markedly more successful in the coming game. At the beginning of the week, players walk through the drills. Literally walk. Coaches move them from place to place sometimes physically showing them how it's done. Players follow their lead. As the week progresses, so do the players' independence and confidence. And the coaches back away, giving the players space to make the plays their own. During this time, players fail. Coaches and sometimes other players will jump in swiftly and say, "Hey, when you did this, you opened the door for {insert unintended negative consequence} to happen. What you want to do is Y. Let's try it again." And they practice it again and again until the player gets it. Nobody freaks out. Why? Because during practice you're supposed to fail. Now don't get me wrong, when players fail to execute a skill after much practice, there's a consequence, a natural one. If they aren't ready, they don't play in the game, and I haven't met a kid yet who enjoys being on the bench during game time.
So what does this have to go with parenting a middle schooler? In elementary school, your kids need you to be enthusiastic about everything they do and bring home from school. The need you in the clingy, lovey kind of way, and want your attention, your guidance, your hand. In middle school that looks a bit different. Your kids want to be independent and what you and I know for sure (a la Oprah) is that eleven year olds don't wake up one morning in August with independence left under their pillow like a gift from the tooth fairy. We've all heard about how kids change in middle school and don't seen to want their parents around. That's not true. Kids always want you around. They just want you in a way that's different from how they needed you before. What they need is for you to give them the skills they need for the big game--the moment when they are on the field and you're in the stands unable to rescue them. They need you to sit with them at the table on Friday nights and replay the week. To help them make a game plan (a downloadable version is below) for the coming week. They need you to walk them through what doing it right feels like and show them how to know when they are doing it wrong. All without freaking out--why? Because this middle school experience, is practice, and you're the coach.